What A Mess Am I?
I feel a mess…but more than that…I feel M.S. In fact, it has become me in every way. That’s what M.S. feels like: messy. But why waste your time reading about my personal indulgences?
Well, I cant help thinking this MS stuff gives us folk a different spin on life: sometimes humorous; sometimes self-possessed, but invariably at odds with the world. I have this urge to make sense of this MS mess. So perhaps we could explore it together…just you and me? Not for the purpose of indulgence but in order to see the world through a different lens: a lens prescribed by an illness which forces you to replace ‘doing’ with ‘being’.
Tragic, right? Well, if your only measure of existence is your Facebook timeline or globe-trotting twitter then yes it is. But as I learn to live with this mess, my voyage of ‘being’ has become evermore fascinating and full of surprises: as I learn about myself, past, present and future.
This blog is not about me: it is about the world around me (or at least, how the world presents itself through the eyes of an MS sufferer and as a member of the human race). It makes an earnest attempt to record stories, experiences and thoughts as they arise.
MS is an appropriate acronym for multiple sclerosis: a debilitating and progressive neurological disease. The great thing about this disease is that there are so many symptoms to choose from. So many issues to explore. So many ways that you can be messed up.
Who am I talking to? Just about anybody! I resisted the temptation to set up a blog by registering in an online MS community. After all, I wanted to have a dialogue with everybody. There seemed no point in preaching to the converted (although preaching is definitely not what I want to do). In my attempts to remain engaged with the outside world, I feel progressively alienated from it. No longer a car driver; no longer a professional in work; no longer a person standing up to be counted. This blog is my response to a growing rift.
I guess there is a common theme here in the blog. It’s all about vulnerability. Vulnerability in a society that is about being strong and protecting ourselves from uncertainty . As a society we have physical protection, legal protection and economic protection. At least, that’s what it seems. As you learn to submit to the demands of MS, it becomes clear that each of these seeming invulnerabilities is a charade. The experience of vulnerability is forced upon you. But, rather than being a hindrance, it provides a tool for discovering life and the depths of human relationships. I cease to envy those that live in a world of security.
Why am I choosing to tell my story as it reveals itself (after all, I don’t know where it’s going)? This is no narcissistic escape. Remaining silent is not an option for me. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr “our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”.